Anxiety, Brave Art of Motherhood, Broken, Burn out, Discouraged, Exhausted, Journey, Life, Rawness, Stress, Trials

Changes Are Powerful

Revealing All Sides of Them

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach

I am popping in to say I am still here. Last week ended up crazy busy because Kiddo stayed well enough for me to in fact paint the inside of my house while my husband was gone. I am so happy I did because I have a “real” confession to make, my house was filthy.

When I began to tear it apart to get into the crevasses and corners you do not see on a regular basis, I began to see stuff that made me cringe. It truly broke my heart because Kiddo is highly allergic to this kind of dust. It makes me wonder how much our own home was contributing to her sickness?

Well, it is clean, updated, and fresh again. As we were making these changes we were both excited because we like change. Change breathes life into whatever it is you are changing. It to us is not a bad thing because we love it, however, to my husband he was not impressed when he came home to my freshness and change.

He hates change, but I was to be able to paint and make over rooms in my house in the past. I suspected he was not happy this time though because when he came home from being away his silence was deafening. I was not able to get everything I wanted to be done because he was not gone long enough, so he did not see what I have envisioned yet. I was not able to get the trim painted or put up the special signs I am going to make. At this point, I have decided to wait on painting the trim as I think this will truly be too much change. He needs to sit on these changes for a while.

I have an immense “raw and real” confession to make, this rejection hurt me to my core. I do everything I do to keep our home running efficiently while both he and my daughter spend more time sick than they do well. I run them to their countless doctor appointments so I can stay on top of their health issues and so for me to do this because it made me feel good was beyond disheartening.

I got extremely upset Saturday night and had a complete meltdown. I was yelling and screaming (not my finest moment or one I am proud of), but it was because I was tired of hiding my hurt and exhaustion any longer. I was tired of hiding behind my mask that says it is okay you hurt me again. Unfortunately, I crushed my sweet daughter in my rant because it started with her and I arguing with each other over my not willing to go to Washington DC for Veteran’s Day, but that was not even what had me upset. I was upset with her dad and his stubbornness to see these changes were important to me and that I needed this for me to find my happy place again. She didn’t know this. She only saw my emotions boiling out of control to the point they erupted like an out of control volcano.

I told you this to share my deepest and real feelings which I hide from behind my mask, the mask that says I have it all together when in full disclosure, I have nothing together. As my husband told me the other night in my fit of anger and yes rage at one point, I have become psychotic and I need help. This is only his perspective. I, however, stand on the truth of my own emotions. Unstable is the least of my problems. I am however over-worked, over-burdened from carrying the load for both of us for so long. I am exhausted both mentally and physically and depressed for the lifestyle we are living in now and will continue to live for him to be happy here. What he does not realize, understand or see, is that if I was as unstable as he believes me to be, I could not continue to carry the unbearably heavy load I carry to ensure he has a happy life while he struggles with the burdens of dealing with his own PTSD.

I am not sure how it has happened but since 2012 I have tap danced around my husband’s war triggered PTSD and anger. I have walked on cartons worth of eggshells to keep him happy. We stopped doing things we enjoyed as a family. We stopped attending events that were crowded because that was an anxiety trigger for him. Now both my Kiddo and I have found (as of this weekend that crowds make us both nervous and uncomfortable). I knew change upsets him so I make few “big” changes so he will not get upset, but my friends as I have found years later, giving in to all of this is not healthy for you as an individual. Your attempt to help them all the time is actually enabling what will become bad behavior and behavior that can, in turn, cost you everything. Everything meaning your happiness, your identity, and your life. 

Be careful how much of you, you give away to others. I have done some serious soul-searching over the past couple of days as I was on a personal quest to make changes within myself to find “me” to be truly happy again. Now I find myself at a crossroads because if my husband hates change to the point of me writing my deepest and rawest heart out here, then I have a much bigger problem of making changes within my own heart. He is not going to like the personal changes I make within myself because he will feel the effects of some of those changes.

So this is the question I am left with … do I continue my journey of self-discovery at the cost of everything, that meaning my marriage of almost 25 years and my family? How much is my need for change worth to me?  

Please forgive me as this post is deeply personal and I am writing from my rawest moment this morning. I am at this moment of pondering this simple quote written by Rachel Marie Martin in her book, The Brave Art of Motherhood,

“Be brave,” says my spirit. 

“Wait,” says fear.

“Have courage,” says my soul. 

“Not yet,” says worry.

“Dare,” says my heart. 

– Rachel Marie Martin 

The Brave Art of Motherhood

Where does this journey take me? Where does God want me to be in five years? How do I regain stability in my life again? All of these are questions I have and still need answers to. As I continue to find my way in life, I will continue to write about them as it is my deepest desire that if my heartache can help someone else to know they are not battling their own battles alone, then all of this pain will be worth it in the end.

 

 

 

Broken, Burn out, Depression, Discouraged, Exhausted, Hope, Journey, Life, Trials, Weariness

Finding Sunshine Through Rainclouds

water drop

 

I am trying to write down words which are lost. I am trying to flush out the scattered thoughts for the wise and logical thoughts. I am trying to smile when I only want to cry. I am trying to move forward when my body was to seize to a paralyzed state. I am trying to hold everything together when my life seems full of chaos.

What does “real” life look like? What does “normal” look like? What do words look like when you can’t remember how to form them? What do feelings look like when you spend so much of your time running away from them?

I am not writing to seek sympathy or to receive any more words of discouragement. I am not writing to enjoy a pity party. I am just writing to clear my mind of all the scattered thoughts I am harboring, because there is no other outlet to free myself from this bondage.

It is my prayer however, if this can encourage someone (somehow), that God will allow the use of these scattered words and emotions to encourage someone else who may be struggling then I will be happy.

I suspect my ability to form any normal thoughts may not be easy, but if you are ok with my ramblings then we will all be good.

Life has become mad, yet but again. I just do not want to go down this road again. So much so, can I just run away from it all? Can I just leave everything behind, literally, and just escape life so I do not have to worry, plan, fix, and overall do “everything”?

We spend so much of our life just existing that when times of trials roll around there is no strength to lean on to get through the next crisis.

I took July off because I was struggling with encouraging others when I just could not find the words to share with you all. I just needed to feel like I took the month off to regroup and do some soul-searching. Unfortunately, I did not expect that soul-searching was going to be as a result of finding out a friend had taken her own life way to soon.

When you talk to others, which is what I heard when talking to someone, that suicide is such a selfish act. Disclaimer, I am by no means supporting or advocating that suicide is the right thing to do or that by any implication that I am suicidal, but I think before passing judgement on those who choose to do this that maybe we need to walk a day or a week in their lives.

We live a very difficult life. Our money is “always” tight and often times not enough, both my family members struggle with health needs that have them both sick all the time. It is exhausting to hear this day they are sick, this day they are in pain. This day they can not do anything all day because of x, y, or z problem. This day they have a doctor appointment which means in order to advocate for them, you are going to the appointment and you are the one trying to think ahead of the appointment to ask any and all of the questions that need to be addressed.

Then there is the stress of employment as our only bread-winner of our house is one of my sickly family members. What are we going to do if we lose this job? We have already experienced this once as a result of sickness and disability so to think this could happen again is scary. I DO NOT want to ever go through this again, especially right now.

Between the weight of financial problems, medical problems times two and now a dog with medical problems, I just want to run away by any means possible. This is too much to carry for too long. I find myself questioning what if God took me home today. How nice would it be to not live this life any longer? I wonder what was my friend going through that she thought the same thing, but took it even farther and ended her own life to escape the pain, the confusion, the expectations of others, the need to be the “perfect wife”, the need to be the “perfect mother”, and the need to get everything done in a timely and orderly process. I am not sure what she was going through that caused her darkness to consume her life, but I can understand a certain amount of it because I am living a similar darkness. The only difference between her and I is that no matter how discouraged I may be, I have no intentions to ending my life. I am willing to wait for God’s perfect timing.

For anyone who has followed me for any length of time, you will remember back to February of 2017 when my husband experienced a colon surgery and it was a very difficult road to recovery. I had struggled during that time to write because of an ugly darkness that consumed me, well I am back here again.

My husband has been out of work for a week now as a result of the same problem that caused him to have surgery way back when. I am writing tonight because we are back to this same problem he had surgery for. It appears this problem has resurfaced and created a new problem out of an old problem. We found out after spending and entire morning and part of an afternoon at the emergency room this week that he may be pending another surgery in the same area. We are unsure if this occurred because something in fact went wrong with the first surgery or if he was that ugly ten percent of patients who experience this same problem again.

I have not clue for sure what all is going to happen. He has an appointment on August 15th with his previous surgeon to see what all of this means and to determine if a future surgery will be required.

If this happens it will be another surgery, more time off, and most likely more no pay due until he goes back to work. The thought of this just seriously makes me sick to think we have to experience again.

Then there is my precious baby boy who just went to the vet for his yearly check up to discover he has allergies and is most likely allergic to grass as this seems to be what causes him to break out severely. Then as if that was not enough information to receive that day, then there is this mass on the bottom of his back foot and we discover he will need to have surgery to remove it and then have it tested to determine at a 50/50% if it may be cancer. This is scheduled for August 23rd, and if it is cancer we can hopefully isolate it to only his foot so it does not travel.

I love my dog beyond words and do not want to see him struggle with all of this let alone the possibility of fighting cancer. We just do not even have that kind of money let alone if my husband goes offline with his own surgery.

Well, thanks to a negative conversation I just had, I have completely lost my train of thought and my words again. So whether this is a good place to conclude my blog post or not, I will have to end here without a conclusion.

I can not make any promises or guarantees that I will be back to post on a regular basis or not, but just know I have not forgotten about my blog.

If you are struggling with a difficult situation, please know you are not alone. The darkness may have you consumed, but do not give into out of desperation.

This time will pass as everything does eventually, but I understand how difficult it can be to wait it out.

If you wish to release your thoughts on a total stranger, please feel free to leave a comment below. I promise there will never be any judgement held against you.

I can however pray for and try to encourage you through your trial.

Many hugs to the rest of you who are also struggling.

 

 

Journey, Life, Update, Weakness, Weariness

Decompression Through Exhaustion

As I sit here in the emergency room waiting on my husband, I am trying to decompress in the quietness of this waiting room. It is not usually quiet so I am thankful God blessed me with this small reward.

I thought today was going to be a free day from going to a doctor, but unfortunately this was too much to hope for. I am praying however, that both my husband and daughter will not need one this weekend.

If they can both stay well enough to not need a doctor over the weekend then I will be able to have a two day break before taking Kiddo back on Monday morning.

This week has been a whirlwind of doctors. I am use to all the doctors my daughter has to see, but it becomes daunting and exhausting when my husband needs them too. This is when I struggle with being overwhelmed because to do one person is tough, but it is manageable. It is when they both need medical help in a week that I get overwhelmed and overloaded.

If you feel inclined to send up prayers for strength and peace for me over the weekend, I would be so appreciative. I’m tired, okay I will be honest, I am exhausted. My mood is ugly and I am lacking the compassion I need to be as a caregiver. I know my husband is mad at me, but I am overwhelmed and overloaded. Thankfully Kiddo tries to be a little more understanding, although even today was difficult for her. With this all said, if you feel inclined to say some extra prayers for me, I would appreciate it. Pray my husband gets better with his new antibiotics and pray pain, headache, migraine, and sinus infection relief for my Kiddo.

Thank you all and good night everyone.