Discouraged, Journey, Rawness

What Do You Say…

boardwalk amidst trees in forestWhat do you say when your words are few?

What do you say when your words are inadequate?

What do you say when your words are lost?

What do you say…

My friend, you don’t. You pray! 

If you find yourself in a position where no matter how confused your words may be, or no matter how scattered they may be thrown, know this is the time you do not need to speak.

Just stop… just pray.

It is okay to have a period of silence for in that silence, you can hear God more clearly.

Life does not always need the words to be spoken, they just need to be felt.

Stop, be quiet, listen, and take this time to pray.

Let God do the rest.

Broken, Comfort, Depression, Discouraged, Encouragement Today, Exhausted, Journey, Life, Strength, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

Finding The Way Through The Darkness

Encouragement Today

close up of leaf

Today’s encouragement is coming to remind you if you are living through a difficult time and find the fear of darkness is all around you, please know you are not alone. I am here for you, to hug you, and to share with you just a little bit of our dark story right now.

I am writing with raw emotions this morning because at this time we find ourselves in a dark hole again. If our life is not chaotic enough I tried to have a conversation with someone who is important to me only to walk away absolutely crushed.

I wish my life was not so messy. I wish I had a life that was not wrought with so many medical issues. For anyone who walks in these shoes knows going to doctor appointments is time-consuming and mentally exhausting.

I was hoping after my husband’s doctor appointment that I would walk away with some relief, but instead I walked away feeling even more concerned, but instead, we find ourselves waiting until the end of the month for answers.

I am thankful we will not lose our job as I texted his boss yesterday and she asked me to not send him back to work too early so he doesn’t go out permanently. This was a huge relief since we are going without a paycheck right now. I know his position at work is valuable and the others are taking his load upon their load while he is out.

Unfortunately, my husband has a doctor appointment the same day as our dog, Shadow. Shadow is having his surgery to remove a mass on his paw that may be cancerous. We will not know if this is the case with him until they send off his mass to have it tested. For anyone who has a pet that is like a family member, you understand why this is important to us. Shadow is a purebred German Shepherd and is only three years old. He has a lot of love and life to give, so to leave a potential cancer on him is “not” an option.

Now a double day of prayers for my family on August 23rd. My husband will have his colonoscopy to determine if his surgery site in his colon has shrunk because if it has, he will need a complete, invasive, open you up surgery. This is to open up his previous surgery site and put it back together after removing the restriction sight. And Shadow will be having his surgery around the same time as his colonoscopy.

If this was not a potential cancer, I would reschedule Shadow, but I do not dare to. We do not get Tom’s results until August 29 and if he needs surgery then that will most likely take place quickly so we can get Tom back on his feet again. If I just go through with Shadow now, he can be healing or healed by the time Tom could go down.

Why? Why? Why does all of this happen to us? I just do not understand? I have been asking God to show me what I am not learning so I can finally get this figured out and move forward to a better place.

If you find you are in a similar place, please know you are not alone. It is a very dark place to be, but we will get through. We did the last time we were here and we will again, just like you will as well.

Cling to the hope of a brighter tomorrow. We all will get there. I write about these raw emotions today to not only try to process them but to show others who may be battling similar issues that you are not alone. I know for me, the feeling of being alone makes situations like these even harder and even darker.

So, my friend who is struggling today, I am sharing a hug and an ear and a shoulder to cry on. If you do not want to remain isolated in this darkness, feel free to open up in the comments below. I am here for you.

Bible, Discouraged, Exhausted, Faith, Journey, Life, Rest, Strength, Trials, Update, Weakness, Weariness

Pondering Thoughts of Hardships

design-167I wanted to take a moment in the quietness of my house to reflect upon as well as remind my readers that peace does have the possibility to be restored in your life.

I had to get up early this morning to give my baby dog his medicine and discovered he would need more homemade dog food, as I am trying to build his weak body up to prepare him for his upcoming surgery. I am making him ground chicken (with bones), rice, and this morning I added his favorite, carrots to his homemade food. He should be really happy when he eats supper tonight. I add this to his already grain free kibble and he is more than happy to join the clean plate clubbers fan club after each meal now.

As I was working about my house while my family slept, I was pondering everything that is going on in our lives. I was thinking about all of my concerns. The biggest being, “Please God protect our job.” I do not want to live through another horrible experience of job loss ever again.

As that concern popped into my head I was like, wait, I need to pray about this. So I asked God to remove all the worry from my mind if He truly has this situation under control. I will be brutally honest and tell you as I write this that my stomach got a bit shaken up.

I will take a moment to remind you of this though, (disclaimer I have to remind myself (which I will confess I struggle with)), no matter how scared or worried about a situation I may be, God has it already figured out.  

Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:26 NIV

img_9079All too often we forget this and feel we need to have the plans already figured out. Sometimes those plans go as deep as the alphabet because in our minds we not only have plan A, but we even create contingency plans B-Z. My question is for all of us is… “Why?”. Why do we do this when we know, hands down every time, that God has a plan each and every time? If he knows how many hairs on our heads than He knows our plans, our solutions, and our future.

“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30 NIV

My friend, I am here to remind you and me both. Worry gets us now where. It steals our joy like a thief in the night. We are no longer able to see the things we enjoy in life. We no longer see the sun shining on a beautiful day or the precious smiles on the faces of those around us. It steals every part of our being. I say this because this is what it has done to me and continues to as long as I let it run my life.

We have to take a step back and reclaim our lives from this ugly monster. Cling to this verse as it often times pop into my head when worry has me consumed.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 NIV

Or if you are in a really tough spot try clinging to these verses. I find they give me comfort when I struggle with wondering why God has forsaken me in the chaos I may find myself in.

“Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns–and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26 NIV

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

design-88God’s intentions for us is not to worry about things we have no control over. My friends, we spend so much time thinking that everything in our life is ours to figure out; our jobs, our spouses, our marriages, our children, our finances, our health, you name it and do we not feel like we are in complete control over it all? When it comes down to the wire and those things are falling apart, who truly has the control? I can tell you (from my ugly experiences) it is not us. Only does God know everything about all of these things we think we control. 

My friend, when life seems to be full of chaos with nowhere to turn, look to Him and be honest, tell Him your fears and concerns. Lay them all at His feet and pour your heart out and allow Him to do your problem-solving. Allow God to carry your burdens and free yourself up of the darkness and the mind games the enemy is playing with you. Shift your focus from the ugly, the negative, the concerns, the fears and look for the beauty in life again. God has all the other stuff. He even tells us to do this.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

So as we go into our weekends, let us join together and refocus our worries and concerns allowing God to fill us up with a “peace that passes all understanding”, His peace.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 ESV

My Friend, if you read my earlier post this week, you will know my writing all of this does not come easily. I walk a pretty tough road and I am just as stubborn at listening to God as anyone else, but I do write, however, what I feel God is trying to tell me and you as well. These words of encouragement and scripture did not come from me. They are what God placed on my heart to provide me with a comfort and a peace that everything will not only work out but that He has the control over all of it, I do not.

Join me in walking away from all the stress this weekend and allow God to renew our hearts and minds so when the week to come arrives, we will be rejuvenated and prepared for whatever lies ahead.

Give Him your “everything”, He can handle it “all”!
Broken, Burn out, Depression, Discouraged, Exhausted, Hope, Journey, Life, Trials, Weariness

Finding Sunshine Through Rainclouds

water drop

 

I am trying to write down words which are lost. I am trying to flush out the scattered thoughts for the wise and logical thoughts. I am trying to smile when I only want to cry. I am trying to move forward when my body was to seize to a paralyzed state. I am trying to hold everything together when my life seems full of chaos.

What does “real” life look like? What does “normal” look like? What do words look like when you can’t remember how to form them? What do feelings look like when you spend so much of your time running away from them?

I am not writing to seek sympathy or to receive any more words of discouragement. I am not writing to enjoy a pity party. I am just writing to clear my mind of all the scattered thoughts I am harboring, because there is no other outlet to free myself from this bondage.

It is my prayer however, if this can encourage someone (somehow), that God will allow the use of these scattered words and emotions to encourage someone else who may be struggling then I will be happy.

I suspect my ability to form any normal thoughts may not be easy, but if you are ok with my ramblings then we will all be good.

Life has become mad, yet but again. I just do not want to go down this road again. So much so, can I just run away from it all? Can I just leave everything behind, literally, and just escape life so I do not have to worry, plan, fix, and overall do “everything”?

We spend so much of our life just existing that when times of trials roll around there is no strength to lean on to get through the next crisis.

I took July off because I was struggling with encouraging others when I just could not find the words to share with you all. I just needed to feel like I took the month off to regroup and do some soul-searching. Unfortunately, I did not expect that soul-searching was going to be as a result of finding out a friend had taken her own life way to soon.

When you talk to others, which is what I heard when talking to someone, that suicide is such a selfish act. Disclaimer, I am by no means supporting or advocating that suicide is the right thing to do or that by any implication that I am suicidal, but I think before passing judgement on those who choose to do this that maybe we need to walk a day or a week in their lives.

We live a very difficult life. Our money is “always” tight and often times not enough, both my family members struggle with health needs that have them both sick all the time. It is exhausting to hear this day they are sick, this day they are in pain. This day they can not do anything all day because of x, y, or z problem. This day they have a doctor appointment which means in order to advocate for them, you are going to the appointment and you are the one trying to think ahead of the appointment to ask any and all of the questions that need to be addressed.

Then there is the stress of employment as our only bread-winner of our house is one of my sickly family members. What are we going to do if we lose this job? We have already experienced this once as a result of sickness and disability so to think this could happen again is scary. I DO NOT want to ever go through this again, especially right now.

Between the weight of financial problems, medical problems times two and now a dog with medical problems, I just want to run away by any means possible. This is too much to carry for too long. I find myself questioning what if God took me home today. How nice would it be to not live this life any longer? I wonder what was my friend going through that she thought the same thing, but took it even farther and ended her own life to escape the pain, the confusion, the expectations of others, the need to be the “perfect wife”, the need to be the “perfect mother”, and the need to get everything done in a timely and orderly process. I am not sure what she was going through that caused her darkness to consume her life, but I can understand a certain amount of it because I am living a similar darkness. The only difference between her and I is that no matter how discouraged I may be, I have no intentions to ending my life. I am willing to wait for God’s perfect timing.

For anyone who has followed me for any length of time, you will remember back to February of 2017 when my husband experienced a colon surgery and it was a very difficult road to recovery. I had struggled during that time to write because of an ugly darkness that consumed me, well I am back here again.

My husband has been out of work for a week now as a result of the same problem that caused him to have surgery way back when. I am writing tonight because we are back to this same problem he had surgery for. It appears this problem has resurfaced and created a new problem out of an old problem. We found out after spending and entire morning and part of an afternoon at the emergency room this week that he may be pending another surgery in the same area. We are unsure if this occurred because something in fact went wrong with the first surgery or if he was that ugly ten percent of patients who experience this same problem again.

I have not clue for sure what all is going to happen. He has an appointment on August 15th with his previous surgeon to see what all of this means and to determine if a future surgery will be required.

If this happens it will be another surgery, more time off, and most likely more no pay due until he goes back to work. The thought of this just seriously makes me sick to think we have to experience again.

Then there is my precious baby boy who just went to the vet for his yearly check up to discover he has allergies and is most likely allergic to grass as this seems to be what causes him to break out severely. Then as if that was not enough information to receive that day, then there is this mass on the bottom of his back foot and we discover he will need to have surgery to remove it and then have it tested to determine at a 50/50% if it may be cancer. This is scheduled for August 23rd, and if it is cancer we can hopefully isolate it to only his foot so it does not travel.

I love my dog beyond words and do not want to see him struggle with all of this let alone the possibility of fighting cancer. We just do not even have that kind of money let alone if my husband goes offline with his own surgery.

Well, thanks to a negative conversation I just had, I have completely lost my train of thought and my words again. So whether this is a good place to conclude my blog post or not, I will have to end here without a conclusion.

I can not make any promises or guarantees that I will be back to post on a regular basis or not, but just know I have not forgotten about my blog.

If you are struggling with a difficult situation, please know you are not alone. The darkness may have you consumed, but do not give into out of desperation.

This time will pass as everything does eventually, but I understand how difficult it can be to wait it out.

If you wish to release your thoughts on a total stranger, please feel free to leave a comment below. I promise there will never be any judgement held against you.

I can however pray for and try to encourage you through your trial.

Many hugs to the rest of you who are also struggling.

 

 

Broken, Burn out, Challenge, Comfort, Death, Depression, Discouraged, Exhausted, Grief, Hope, Journey, Life, Strength, Suicide, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

The Difficulty of Random Thoughts

img_9150-2This month has been a very busy one because we have been trying to get our home business off the ground and it has been a lot of work. I am hoping to cross the tide between what needs to be done, what has to be done, and what comes next.

We have thankfully got to a point where Kiddo is down to only one or two doctor appointments a week instead of three to five. This is a huge blessing and one I am thankful to have at this moment.

We have managed to get Kiddo enrolled into college full time to include an approval for financial aid via a Pell Grant and I am beyond excited for this.

However, this week has been an emotionally challenging one. I found myself trying to process the unexpected loss of a friend who was an encourager to me. She would post encouraging and thought-provoking quotes and images that would encourage people like me when we would need it the most. Unfortunately, last Sunday night her darkness and depression won a battle and she took her own life.

This has left me totally questioning the fragility of life. It has left me facing many of my own personal questions like how to battle my own darkness of stress, constant busyness, discouragement, frustration, and depression.

I have been pondering how to write about this as I try to process all the confusion and rawness of this delicate subject. Yesterday, her family with their friends and community celebrated her life in such a beautiful manner.

It is my prayer through her death that her ability to help and encourage others will continue. It is my prayer as a result, we can shed some light on the ugly monster called suicide.

I am not trying to be full of doom and gloom, but I have been lost in not writing this past month. Writing helps me to process mentally and emotionally, so as I continue to process what has happened this week, I will be writing more about this difficult subject.

It is my prayerful desire God will allow this devastating loss of my sweet friend to shed some light on this ugly topic and if her life and death would save even just one person, then her precious memory can be blessed as well.

Experiencing a heavy loss and sadness can produce positive results if in the right timing and in the right place. It is my desire as I write in the days ahead and you are struggling in this same area, reach out for help. Talk to someone. Do not let your darkness consume you to the point of taking your own life.

If you need help and you have no one to talk to, call the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. If you live Internationally click on the World National Suicide Hotline to find your country and call them for help.

Do NOT allow your darkness to take your life away.

Your life matters. You matter!!! Many people love you, more than you will ever know!! Live for yourself, live for them.
Journey, Life, Medical Journey, Strength

Driving Life Home

img_1499I had to take a moment to brag on my Kiddo.

She has experienced many medical obstacles over the past years that have hindered her from getting her drivers license that today, I can proudly announce she has it.

She was suppose to get it on Monday, but could not due to a migraine.

She lost six months of valuable driving experience due to a foot injury that caused her to be in a boot, this being the injury that ended in a foot surgery.

Despite all of her medical issues that have set her back, this was a huge day of celebration for her. She is an example of the power of perseverance and determination.

Most people would have given up on this, but for her, she did not give up. She knew one day would come,  eventually and I am a proud momma to say that eventually was today.

This is the same hope I have for her to make it to college next and to be a lawyer one day. How, we do not know. When, we do not know, but I have the hope and assurance one day it will happen.

One day I will be such a proud momma that I will not be able to keep the tears from flowing down my cheeks for the tears of joy I will have.

I will forever have the precious memory in my heart of her walking through the DMV door and giving me her beautiful smile with a thumbs up that she made it.

Tonight I am sharing a simple story and the  joy we encountered as part of my Kiddos medical journey.

To those who are struggling with medical illness that consume your life, it is my desire to show you the importance of never giving up. If something means everything to you, do not loose hope in accomplishing this dream or goal one day. Your determination and perseverance will sustain you until one day you reach this  dream.

Have a great night and I hope your day was as nice as mine was today

Exhausted, Journey, Medical Journey, Organization, Weariness

Keeping Life Real

Random Thoughts

F04AB03F-96C5-4A55-BE2B-753AEED579D7As I am getting ready to start my day, I am feeling extremely thankful it is Friday.

It has been a long two weeks of doctor appointments. We had three last week. We had three this week and we have three next week. Next week will be a little bit different than these past two because all three appointments will be in one day. Now that will be loads of fun, but at the end of day, they will be all done and it will take only one day and not what feels like all week.

As Kiddo and I were talking yesterday, we were talking about how tired we were. She battles so much in her life and gets tired so easily, but tries to live a “normal” life as best as she can.

It broke my heart as we sat at one of her appointments yesterday and she took a picture of her feet to post on Instagram about waiting on an appointment that she knows is going to make her physically sick by the end of the day. This poor kid’s body has waged war on itself.

As a mom, I just sit back helplessly watching all of this happen with no “real” answers. The only thing the doctors do is treat her for what is wrong, but they can not answer the “why” this is wrong. They treat her reactively, but I am thinking, is there a way after two and a half years, that they can change her treatment plan to treat her proactively now?

She has some appointments coming up and I am compiling my thoughts to see if we can get somewhere with this new method so Kiddo can get her life together and move forward. She needs to start taking college classes so her adult life can be productive and successful while she continues to battle this insanity.

If you feel compelled to send God some prayers for wisdom and direction about these appointments coming up in the next two weeks, I would be so appreciative. 

This morning I felt the need to clear my mind and I decided to release them here so I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing today is free of doctors.

I pride myself by not hiding behind the walls of deception, which is so easy to do when you write in an open forum. It is my desire to write openly with the hopes of helping others through our difficulties.

It is my prayer if you are going through a difficult time that today that you will feel you are not alone. It is my desire you find the time in your day to breathe in and exhale while feeling a sense of strength and peace take over your mind and body. 

Hugs to those of you who are struggling with circumstances that have you weighed down.

Remember the most important key to survival and this is that God is walking with you and has not left you or forsaken you. You are not alone. 

Lastly, remember… “You are braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” A.A. Milne

Disclaimer… please excuse any random and choppiness to what I wrote today. I was just trying to clear my head so I can have a productive day.

TGIF! Enjoy your Friday!