Writing From The Heart
I struggle daily with finding my self-worth. I find it hard to compete with society’s standards because their standards do not match up to my own.
When I was younger I was career minded until I got married. Well, actually I was still career minded after I got married, but the Army gave us orders to Germany so it was time for my career to go on hold. Across the ocean we went, but when we left, it was only meant to be a minor set back and when we returned back to the United States I would jump right back into my career, but over two years into our three-year deployment my Kiddo was born.
At that point I had to make another important decision. Was I going to be a working mommy or a stay at home mommy? It was a difficult decision for me to make because I worked so hard to get my education done so I could jump into my career when we got back, but then there was my baby who was now my responsibility. God gave her to me to take care of and to raise. How would I do that and have my career too?
After many long hours of thinking about this decision and many sleepless nights I came to the conclusion I would put my career on hold and be a stay at home mom.
As the years passed and she got older I had to make yet but another important decision regarding motherhood vs career. Now I had to decide if she was to going to go to school or was I going to keep her home and homeschool her. If she went to school, then I could jump-start my career as not that much time had passed. I was sure my resume could still stand on its own merit at that point or do I keep her home? If I kept her home to homeschool then my career would take a serious hit. What was I to do? This was another long thinking decision and with a lot of thought, I decided to continue being a stay home mom. My career was no longer important at that point.
I have struggled with the negativity that comes along with being a stay at home and homeschool mom. People are all to eager to share their negative opinions and “wisdom” with people like me. I am not one who likes confrontation so I take their ugly words to heart. Unfortunately, after years of this, I have come to believe this negativity as truth.
I struggle with this truth as I know it is actually a lie hidden inside the disguise of truth and due to the cloudiness of this lie, my heart has begun to believe it. Now 19 years later and my time as a “mom” and homeschool teacher are coming to a close I am finding myself struggling with “who am I now?”
According to society’s standards I have done nothing with my life for 19 years. I have no skill sets because I was “just a mom” and a teacher (but not a real teacher because I was a homeschool teacher). So here I sit with a bunch of lies in my head and struggling with my self-worth because I chose to live a life that was not acceptable to society’s ideas of what is “normal”.
I have pondered this struggle with self-worth for a couple of years now. I have found myself putting serious thought to what is fact and what is fiction? What is truth and what are lies? I have to search my inner being to find a solution to this question in order to fully live my life intentionally. Without this answer, my self-worth will remain a mystery lost in years of hidden lies.
This isn’t the life I intended to live if it meant it would revolve around the lies I have believed for so long. So self-worth, what is it for real? What is mine? Who am I really?
Has anyone else struggled with this? I know Service Members tend to struggle in this area because they are so used to someone always telling them what to do that they forget they can make decisions for themselves. They are used to leaders always telling them information that isn’t always true. In the years I was in the Army, it was acceptable behavior to belittle your subordinates in order to get them to do as you needed them to do. Unfortunately, this will wreak havoc on anyone’s self-worth. So how do you survive this evil thought process? How do you recover from it after the years of damage?
Well, I as I write this, I don’t have the answers to my questions yet. I am still pondering these questions. Hopefully as I continue this journey of blogging my “true”and heart-felt feelings it will help me to discover the answers to these questions.
How about you? Do you struggle with this or have you in the past? If so, how did you find your answers? Please feel free to share in the comments below. It will be interesting to hear how you resolved this issue.