I am trying to clear my head and get back into the “game” of life. I will try to change my focus back over to things that impact the lives of others. It is my desire to continue to touch others by my words and my actions.
I know you all do not know who I am or what I am about, but I have to confess, what you saw this week was a new and changing me. Had I lost my little guy back in December you wouldn’t have even known he existed. I would not have written about him. You would definitely not have seen the pain of the experience. I would have hidden behind a fake smile and a fake, “I am okay.”
I was raised believing you do not show others your real emotions if they are packed with hurt and pain. You keep those emotions hidden in your heart. Now as I am on this journey of change, I can see first hand how this is wrong and damaging.
I know this week has been an extremely difficult one. It has been wrought with pain and tears, worry, concern and everything I would have hid behind just a month ago. So in turn with the attempt to hide behind a lie, I would have used the mask of anger as my crutch to deal with the pain.
My friends, I don’t know about you, but I am personally tired of hiding behind this mask of anger. It was so freeing to experience my real emotions, no matter how difficult they were, as I processed the loss of my little guy. It was refreshing to share that grief and pain then it would have been to hide from it.
Thank you for accommodating me as I used my blog to experience this change in my life. I will eventually be able to look back at the progress I have made as I continue to trek forward in my journey of change.
Now as the days continue to pass and my brain becomes more clearer, I will be able to write more thought provoking posts, but right at this moment, as I allow my heart to replace the pain with memories I have to catch up as well on some sleep. This will also enable me to clear my mind.
What you all do not know is that for the past three months my little guy was seriously struggling with his health issues. He was no longer able to sleep through the night. He would wake me up several times which prevented me from getting quality sleep. I mostly only napped at night instead of sleeping, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have a clear conscience knowing I did everything I could to keep him as happy and comfortable as I could. Although now I have to learn how to sleep again, since that went on for so long.
It is nice to know when I go to bed, that unless I need to get up for some reason, that I will be able to stay in bed all night. I figure by the end of the week, I will begin to see my new life without sleep interruptions and with great sadness. It will all be replaced by valuable sleep and precious memories.
It is my prayer for those of you who have learned to hide behind the same mask of emotional lies that you are able to find the place where you able to tear that mask off of allow yourself to live a life of real emotions and you will find living a life of real emotions will free you from an emotional bondage that has you weighed down physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Please learn from my years of emotional bondage that this is not a healthy way of life. Free yourself starting today and allow yourself to feel your “real” emotions. You will be so relieved when you do.
Your challenge for today is to openly express your real emotions. Take that ugly mask of lies off and allow the true healing begin.
You are beautiful without that ugly mask. Allow your heart to breathe.
Lastly, remember… You Are…. Enough!
Do this for “You”!