Anxiety, Bible, Depression, Discouraged, Grief, Journey, Life, pain, Stress, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

Our Broken Spirits Are Healed

Today’s reminder is a simple one!

Are you feeling alone? Are you feeling overwhelmed?

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalms‬ ‭34:18‬ ‭ESV‬‬

This reminder is to encourage you to know, despite how you may feel, God is with you. He is saving you from all you are feeling.

Turn your eyes towards Him and allow Him to heal your heart.

Lastly, no matter how you may be feeling, you are never alone!

Anxiety, Bible, Bondage, Challenge, Comfort, Courage, Discouraged, encouragement, Exhausted, Hope, Inspiration, Journey, Life, Rawness, Real, Strength, Stress, Trials, Weariness

What Do You Have In Your Boxes

Psalm 9_9-10 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Journaling Thoughts

Choosing Which Box to Open

I must just sit down and take some time to decompress from the stress of life. I feel like I am trapped on a hamster wheel and I cannot get off. I know everyone has problems, we are all human, but how we handle them is completely different.

Box of WorriesI for one, compartmentalized my stress and worries. I have so many issues and concerns that worry me that I have found if I place them all into their own individual boxes then I can open them as I need worry about them.

As for my boxes, they look a little like this…

  • One for finances.
  • One for my daughters’ medical issues.
  • One for my husband’s medical issues.
  • One for my blog.
  • One for my business.
  • One for staying on top of managing my home and family.
  • One for trying to be a good wife.
  • One for trying to be a good mom.
  • One for trying to be a good daughter.
  • One for trying to be a good friend.

And the list can go on and on and on.

Unfortunately, for me, I can have all my boxes opened at one time and have all the contents, or in this case worries and concerns, laying all over the floor in a big heaping mess.

In the “picture perfect” world, I would only open one box at a time, but not me. I am that “raw” and “real” mess and I am exposing myself to you today with the hopes of encouraging you to know, if you too are like me, you are not alone.

I am not, by any means, saying this is healthy, as I know it is not, but what I am saying is that it is real and there are others who live in this messiness, we call life.

By living this way, it is impossible to give all this the focus it needs to be done efficiently and therefore it feels like everything in my world is either getting ahead of me or I am constantly in a state of it all falling apart.

I juggle all of this and because I do, nothing on this list gets my undivided attention and as a result, makes me feel stressed out, inadequate, and frustrated.

Do you have a set of boxes similar to mine and find yourself feeling the same way?

Psalm 9_9-10 The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.My friend, if you do, I am going to share with you what God shared with me this morning.

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in the times of trouble.” Psalms 9:9-10 

We can use this verse as a means of strength when we are weak, as a source of courage when we are scared, and a source of comfort when we are lonely. 

When life has us knocked down like I described above, He is always there to guide us back to a time of stability and normalcy and strengthens us from our time of fragility. He is always there, even in the middle of our biggest messes, when we choose to open all our boxes at one time and then we feel overwhelmed and frightened by what awaits us.

My friend, God is our source of strength even in our darkest and weakest of times. If you have wandered away from Him and feel like you have strayed so far that He has forgotten you, I am here to remind you, you have not. He knows you and remembers you. He wants to be your comforter and your source of strength. He wants you to know you are loved unconditionally.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. (1)Remember the familiar bible verse that so many of us learned when we were children or new Christians,

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV

He loves us all unconditionally. He loves us no matter how messy our lives are. He loves us despite how many boxes we may have or how many we may have open at one time.

There is one thing that remains consistent as I write this blog post and it is this; God keeps reminding me that no matter how many boxes I may have opened or how many boxes I may have dumped all over the floor at one time, He is reminding me that it can all be picked back up (similar to our children doing clean up and putting all their toys away) and that once it is all picked up and placed back in the box, the cover can be closed and we do not have to see the mess any longer.

My Friend, as I close out this post, it is my desire through exposing the rawness of my life, that you are encouraged by knowing no matter what you are going through, God is still by your side. He is there comforting us as we open our boxes and wants us to turn to Him while we navigate our way through the boxes.

Be encouraged and know that no matter how dark and messy life may seem, there is always a hope to cling to and that hope is our Savior who is “ALWAYS” by our side. We are never alone no matter how lonely you may feel.

Peace and comfort my friend as you finish reading this. It is my desire if you struggle with the same messiness I struggle with, that God can use my ugly revelation today to encourage you to know you are not alone and that above everything else to know God is and will always be by your side.

 

Anxiety, Brave Art of Motherhood, Broken, Burn out, Discouraged, Exhausted, Journey, Life, Rawness, Stress, Trials

Changes Are Powerful

Revealing All Sides of Them

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach

I am popping in to say I am still here. Last week ended up crazy busy because Kiddo stayed well enough for me to in fact paint the inside of my house while my husband was gone. I am so happy I did because I have a “real” confession to make, my house was filthy.

When I began to tear it apart to get into the crevasses and corners you do not see on a regular basis, I began to see stuff that made me cringe. It truly broke my heart because Kiddo is highly allergic to this kind of dust. It makes me wonder how much our own home was contributing to her sickness?

Well, it is clean, updated, and fresh again. As we were making these changes we were both excited because we like change. Change breathes life into whatever it is you are changing. It to us is not a bad thing because we love it, however, to my husband he was not impressed when he came home to my freshness and change.

He hates change, but I was to be able to paint and make over rooms in my house in the past. I suspected he was not happy this time though because when he came home from being away his silence was deafening. I was not able to get everything I wanted to be done because he was not gone long enough, so he did not see what I have envisioned yet. I was not able to get the trim painted or put up the special signs I am going to make. At this point, I have decided to wait on painting the trim as I think this will truly be too much change. He needs to sit on these changes for a while.

I have an immense “raw and real” confession to make, this rejection hurt me to my core. I do everything I do to keep our home running efficiently while both he and my daughter spend more time sick than they do well. I run them to their countless doctor appointments so I can stay on top of their health issues and so for me to do this because it made me feel good was beyond disheartening.

I got extremely upset Saturday night and had a complete meltdown. I was yelling and screaming (not my finest moment or one I am proud of), but it was because I was tired of hiding my hurt and exhaustion any longer. I was tired of hiding behind my mask that says it is okay you hurt me again. Unfortunately, I crushed my sweet daughter in my rant because it started with her and I arguing with each other over my not willing to go to Washington DC for Veteran’s Day, but that was not even what had me upset. I was upset with her dad and his stubbornness to see these changes were important to me and that I needed this for me to find my happy place again. She didn’t know this. She only saw my emotions boiling out of control to the point they erupted like an out of control volcano.

I told you this to share my deepest and real feelings which I hide from behind my mask, the mask that says I have it all together when in full disclosure, I have nothing together. As my husband told me the other night in my fit of anger and yes rage at one point, I have become psychotic and I need help. This is only his perspective. I, however, stand on the truth of my own emotions. Unstable is the least of my problems. I am however over-worked, over-burdened from carrying the load for both of us for so long. I am exhausted both mentally and physically and depressed for the lifestyle we are living in now and will continue to live for him to be happy here. What he does not realize, understand or see, is that if I was as unstable as he believes me to be, I could not continue to carry the unbearably heavy load I carry to ensure he has a happy life while he struggles with the burdens of dealing with his own PTSD.

I am not sure how it has happened but since 2012 I have tap danced around my husband’s war triggered PTSD and anger. I have walked on cartons worth of eggshells to keep him happy. We stopped doing things we enjoyed as a family. We stopped attending events that were crowded because that was an anxiety trigger for him. Now both my Kiddo and I have found (as of this weekend that crowds make us both nervous and uncomfortable). I knew change upsets him so I make few “big” changes so he will not get upset, but my friends as I have found years later, giving in to all of this is not healthy for you as an individual. Your attempt to help them all the time is actually enabling what will become bad behavior and behavior that can, in turn, cost you everything. Everything meaning your happiness, your identity, and your life. 

Be careful how much of you, you give away to others. I have done some serious soul-searching over the past couple of days as I was on a personal quest to make changes within myself to find “me” to be truly happy again. Now I find myself at a crossroads because if my husband hates change to the point of me writing my deepest and rawest heart out here, then I have a much bigger problem of making changes within my own heart. He is not going to like the personal changes I make within myself because he will feel the effects of some of those changes.

So this is the question I am left with … do I continue my journey of self-discovery at the cost of everything, that meaning my marriage of almost 25 years and my family? How much is my need for change worth to me?  

Please forgive me as this post is deeply personal and I am writing from my rawest moment this morning. I am at this moment of pondering this simple quote written by Rachel Marie Martin in her book, The Brave Art of Motherhood,

“Be brave,” says my spirit. 

“Wait,” says fear.

“Have courage,” says my soul. 

“Not yet,” says worry.

“Dare,” says my heart. 

– Rachel Marie Martin 

The Brave Art of Motherhood

Where does this journey take me? Where does God want me to be in five years? How do I regain stability in my life again? All of these are questions I have and still need answers to. As I continue to find my way in life, I will continue to write about them as it is my deepest desire that if my heartache can help someone else to know they are not battling their own battles alone, then all of this pain will be worth it in the end.

 

 

 

Anxiety, Blessings, Broken, Burn out, Challenge, Comfort, Courage, Depression, Discouraged, Encouragement Today, Exhausted, Hope, Inspiration, Journey, Life, Motivation, Peace, Strength, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

Seeing The Colors of Life

Encouragement Today

pexels-photo-602579-1

Today’s inspiration comes from the beauty of the fall leaves during this season. There is something inspiring and encouraging about how the leaves display their colors and how they eloquently and beautifully shine through this period of transition.

As we approach the season of fall, take some time to think about the similarities between our lives and how we accept the changes in our lives versus how the leaves in all their beauty handle the changes in theirs. Do you shrivel up and hide in the darkness hoping for life to just go away or do you pull yourself together and walk out your door with your head held high knowing no matter how difficult life may be, it is not going to knock you down to your knees in a state of paralysis?

My friend, think about how the seasons affect the growth cycle of a leaf. During this season of fall, before they die they will show their greatest beauty and when that passes they fall to the ground and feed the soil as they disintegrate thus providing the food and nutrients the trees need to flourish and grow again.

As you think about how the seasons evolve and go through their various cycles you will see how eventually fall will turn into winter and winter back into spring where the trees will begin to grow their tiny little red blossoms that will eventually become leaves again. As the leaves grow bigger and stronger they will endure the struggles of life as well. They go through storms, droughts, winds, rain, heat, and when they are lucky they experience the perfect day of sunshine and warmth. Unfortunately, even for the leaf, this is not something it experiences every day. It experiences more days of difficulty than it does easy days but yet it remains strong enough to stay on the tree through all of its adversities until fall presents itself again.

autumn autumn leaves blur close up

Think about the similarities we too experience. We have times when life is just going along easily. The sun is shining and the warmth of the day allows us the ability to just breathe a sigh of relief knowing everything will be okay. Then what happens when the storms arise and darkness sets in? Drought dries us up emotionally and heavy rains leave our lives flooded and paralyzed until the sun comes back out.

 

How do you respond to these challenges? Do you survive as eloquently as the green leaves do or do you let go and fall to the ground to shrivel up and pass away earlier than you should have?

adult blur camera dirt road

My friend, this is a tough analogy for us as humans to accept and to evaluate, but there is truth to it. Today’s challenge is to seriously make you think about what your life looks like. Are you the green leaf hanging on the tree limb determined to stay no matter what the weather conditions are until you can shine beautifully in the fall with your bright orange, yellow, and red colors? Or are you the green leaf that will be knocked to the ground prematurely to miss your season of beauty?

 

No matter how easy or difficult the spring and summers may be, the leaves continue to grow and remain green and fresh until the fall season arrives and they can show their majestic colors again. This is how God wants us to live our life. He wants us to remain strong in His loving care until our time comes to shine through showing others our true beauty. He wants us to live a life where we can continue to see the beauty of life that while not being consumed by all the adversity that surrounds us.

My friend, God wants us to look at life through the lens of a camera. Even when life is at its most fragile state. That lens has a way of showing us the beauty that hides on the other side of it. Open your heart and your eyes today to see the beauty of the fall colors that are all around you to include those that are in your life. 

Lastly, remember you are as beautiful as the most beautiful leaf you have ever seen.
Broken, Comfort, Depression, Discouraged, Encouragement Today, Exhausted, Journey, Life, Strength, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

Finding The Way Through The Darkness

Encouragement Today

close up of leaf

Today’s encouragement is coming to remind you if you are living through a difficult time and find the fear of darkness is all around you, please know you are not alone. I am here for you, to hug you, and to share with you just a little bit of our dark story right now.

I am writing with raw emotions this morning because at this time we find ourselves in a dark hole again. If our life is not chaotic enough I tried to have a conversation with someone who is important to me only to walk away absolutely crushed.

I wish my life was not so messy. I wish I had a life that was not wrought with so many medical issues. For anyone who walks in these shoes knows going to doctor appointments is time-consuming and mentally exhausting.

I was hoping after my husband’s doctor appointment that I would walk away with some relief, but instead I walked away feeling even more concerned, but instead, we find ourselves waiting until the end of the month for answers.

I am thankful we will not lose our job as I texted his boss yesterday and she asked me to not send him back to work too early so he doesn’t go out permanently. This was a huge relief since we are going without a paycheck right now. I know his position at work is valuable and the others are taking his load upon their load while he is out.

Unfortunately, my husband has a doctor appointment the same day as our dog, Shadow. Shadow is having his surgery to remove a mass on his paw that may be cancerous. We will not know if this is the case with him until they send off his mass to have it tested. For anyone who has a pet that is like a family member, you understand why this is important to us. Shadow is a purebred German Shepherd and is only three years old. He has a lot of love and life to give, so to leave a potential cancer on him is “not” an option.

Now a double day of prayers for my family on August 23rd. My husband will have his colonoscopy to determine if his surgery site in his colon has shrunk because if it has, he will need a complete, invasive, open you up surgery. This is to open up his previous surgery site and put it back together after removing the restriction sight. And Shadow will be having his surgery around the same time as his colonoscopy.

If this was not a potential cancer, I would reschedule Shadow, but I do not dare to. We do not get Tom’s results until August 29 and if he needs surgery then that will most likely take place quickly so we can get Tom back on his feet again. If I just go through with Shadow now, he can be healing or healed by the time Tom could go down.

Why? Why? Why does all of this happen to us? I just do not understand? I have been asking God to show me what I am not learning so I can finally get this figured out and move forward to a better place.

If you find you are in a similar place, please know you are not alone. It is a very dark place to be, but we will get through. We did the last time we were here and we will again, just like you will as well.

Cling to the hope of a brighter tomorrow. We all will get there. I write about these raw emotions today to not only try to process them but to show others who may be battling similar issues that you are not alone. I know for me, the feeling of being alone makes situations like these even harder and even darker.

So, my friend who is struggling today, I am sharing a hug and an ear and a shoulder to cry on. If you do not want to remain isolated in this darkness, feel free to open up in the comments below. I am here for you.

Encouragement Today, Journey, Life, Trials, Trust

Trust Your Wings

Encouragement Today

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Today’s Encouragement is inspired from this quote,

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s own wings. Always believe in yourself”

– Unknown

My friend, today’s message is simple; believe in yourself. Have confidence in your own abilities.

All to often life beats us up and our confidence is one of the first things to go.

I am here to remind you to protect yourself from the evils of the world. Your confidence is important because it protects you by providing the power to fight back against the evils that await you with a soul purpose to tear you down.

Remain confident, My Friend! Believe in yourself. Do not let anyone rob you of what God created in you.

 

Disclaimer, I reposted this one because I loved the encouraging words. They inspired me and it is my prayer they will for you again.

Anxiety, Bible, Broken, Challenge, Courage, Discouraged, encouragement, Encouragement Today, Faith, Journey, Life, Peace, Strength, Trials

Learning To Sail With Our Master On Deck

Encouragement Today

design-207Today’s encouragement is to remind you to not let the power of fear rule your life. Life is a mysterious adventure and it is one that no matter how old you are, you have not lived. As I am beginning my day along beside of the rest of you, one thing remains the same, today is a day in my life that I have not lived before.

Everything that comes about is most likely something you have not done before because, with everything that is “normal”, there is something I have not experienced yet.

As our college students are packing up their things to head off to college, no matter if this is for the first time or they are going off for their senior year, no one has done what they are preparing to do. Packing may be “normal”, but what is right around the corner is not. They have not experienced the classes they are preparing to take because they will all be new. Will they be easy or will they be hard? No one knows until they get into the class and determine this for themselves. They may or may not have the same professors they have, had before.

I am certain, however, of this one thing, there are a lot of nervous kids getting ready to embark on new journeys.

It does not matter if they are a preschooler or a kindergartener, a first grader, or a middle schooler, high schooler, or college student; this one thing remains the same, they have not done what they are getting ready to do before.

This can be a scary place, one wrought with fear and anxiety. My sweet parents, if you have a child getting ready to set sail on this journey, guide them to their Master and give them the power to take control of their ship. Do not allow them to go off with the fear and anxiety they are harboring when their Master Sailor can take this away.

I also think of the people with health issues. Every doctor appointment you go to is uniquely original, as you have not done that appointment before. I think of this because my husband is sick with the very thing he had surgery for a year and a half ago. Is the illness the same, yes. What is different about this time is the treatment plan, now it has reoccurred. He goes back to the surgeon tomorrow, but tomorrow will be a new day with a new appointment and with a new treatment plan that we are unsure of.

This can be a scary place if I allow the anxiety, fear, and worry to consume me. He is out of sick and vacation leave, so with every day he is home, it is no paycheck. Is this a new place for us, no. We did this last time, but what makes it a new problem this time, is that we do not know what they will tell us. Will he have to have surgery again? Will it be a new lifestyle? Will it be a fix that is simple enough to be done in a doctor’s office? We do not know the answers which make this different from last time. We have not lived this before because we have not lived today or tomorrow before. I am, however, clinging to the hope that God knows about all of this even though we have not lived it yet, because I know with God being the Master of my ship, He will teach me how to navigate these waters smoothly.

Many people find their “unknown” to be a scary and fearful place. They find themselves in a position where anxiety, fear, and worry will consume them.

My friend, today I am here to encourage you to not let the fear, worry, and anxiety consume you. Go into every situation thinking about this sailboat illustration and remind yourself of this truth,

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning to sail my ship. Author Unknown

Allow yourself the same grace and mercy you show others as they are navigating waters they have not gone through. If you would not be disappointed in them for not knowing how to do something, why would you do it to yourself?

My friend, today’s challenge is to make a conscious effort to not be consumed by worry and fear. Remember this verse in the Bible,

“The disciples went and woke Him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm.” Luke 8:24 NIV

No matter how alone you may feel during your storm, you have to tell yourself, you are not sailing your ship alone. You have something even better, you have the Master Sailor teaching you how to sail your ship. Allow Him to take control over your fears and anxiety because when you do, He will dissolve each and every one of them.

This is when you will truly be freed from the bondage of your anxiety and fears and will truly be sailing your ship while enjoying every moment of the fresh breeze in your face and the quiet sounds of the waves on the water.

You are worth this, my Friend! Let it go and truly sail your ship with your Master Sailor on board.
Bible, Discouraged, Exhausted, Faith, Journey, Life, Rest, Strength, Trials, Update, Weakness, Weariness

Pondering Thoughts of Hardships

design-167I wanted to take a moment in the quietness of my house to reflect upon as well as remind my readers that peace does have the possibility to be restored in your life.

I had to get up early this morning to give my baby dog his medicine and discovered he would need more homemade dog food, as I am trying to build his weak body up to prepare him for his upcoming surgery. I am making him ground chicken (with bones), rice, and this morning I added his favorite, carrots to his homemade food. He should be really happy when he eats supper tonight. I add this to his already grain free kibble and he is more than happy to join the clean plate clubbers fan club after each meal now.

As I was working about my house while my family slept, I was pondering everything that is going on in our lives. I was thinking about all of my concerns. The biggest being, “Please God protect our job.” I do not want to live through another horrible experience of job loss ever again.

As that concern popped into my head I was like, wait, I need to pray about this. So I asked God to remove all the worry from my mind if He truly has this situation under control. I will be brutally honest and tell you as I write this that my stomach got a bit shaken up.

I will take a moment to remind you of this though, (disclaimer I have to remind myself (which I will confess I struggle with)), no matter how scared or worried about a situation I may be, God has it already figured out.  

Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:26 NIV

img_9079All too often we forget this and feel we need to have the plans already figured out. Sometimes those plans go as deep as the alphabet because in our minds we not only have plan A, but we even create contingency plans B-Z. My question is for all of us is… “Why?”. Why do we do this when we know, hands down every time, that God has a plan each and every time? If he knows how many hairs on our heads than He knows our plans, our solutions, and our future.

“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30 NIV

My friend, I am here to remind you and me both. Worry gets us now where. It steals our joy like a thief in the night. We are no longer able to see the things we enjoy in life. We no longer see the sun shining on a beautiful day or the precious smiles on the faces of those around us. It steals every part of our being. I say this because this is what it has done to me and continues to as long as I let it run my life.

We have to take a step back and reclaim our lives from this ugly monster. Cling to this verse as it often times pop into my head when worry has me consumed.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 NIV

Or if you are in a really tough spot try clinging to these verses. I find they give me comfort when I struggle with wondering why God has forsaken me in the chaos I may find myself in.

“Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns–and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26 NIV

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

design-88God’s intentions for us is not to worry about things we have no control over. My friends, we spend so much time thinking that everything in our life is ours to figure out; our jobs, our spouses, our marriages, our children, our finances, our health, you name it and do we not feel like we are in complete control over it all? When it comes down to the wire and those things are falling apart, who truly has the control? I can tell you (from my ugly experiences) it is not us. Only does God know everything about all of these things we think we control. 

My friend, when life seems to be full of chaos with nowhere to turn, look to Him and be honest, tell Him your fears and concerns. Lay them all at His feet and pour your heart out and allow Him to do your problem-solving. Allow God to carry your burdens and free yourself up of the darkness and the mind games the enemy is playing with you. Shift your focus from the ugly, the negative, the concerns, the fears and look for the beauty in life again. God has all the other stuff. He even tells us to do this.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

So as we go into our weekends, let us join together and refocus our worries and concerns allowing God to fill us up with a “peace that passes all understanding”, His peace.

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 ESV

My Friend, if you read my earlier post this week, you will know my writing all of this does not come easily. I walk a pretty tough road and I am just as stubborn at listening to God as anyone else, but I do write, however, what I feel God is trying to tell me and you as well. These words of encouragement and scripture did not come from me. They are what God placed on my heart to provide me with a comfort and a peace that everything will not only work out but that He has the control over all of it, I do not.

Join me in walking away from all the stress this weekend and allow God to renew our hearts and minds so when the week to come arrives, we will be rejuvenated and prepared for whatever lies ahead.

Give Him your “everything”, He can handle it “all”!
Broken, Burn out, Depression, Discouraged, Exhausted, Hope, Journey, Life, Trials, Weariness

Finding Sunshine Through Rainclouds

water drop

 

I am trying to write down words which are lost. I am trying to flush out the scattered thoughts for the wise and logical thoughts. I am trying to smile when I only want to cry. I am trying to move forward when my body was to seize to a paralyzed state. I am trying to hold everything together when my life seems full of chaos.

What does “real” life look like? What does “normal” look like? What do words look like when you can’t remember how to form them? What do feelings look like when you spend so much of your time running away from them?

I am not writing to seek sympathy or to receive any more words of discouragement. I am not writing to enjoy a pity party. I am just writing to clear my mind of all the scattered thoughts I am harboring, because there is no other outlet to free myself from this bondage.

It is my prayer however, if this can encourage someone (somehow), that God will allow the use of these scattered words and emotions to encourage someone else who may be struggling then I will be happy.

I suspect my ability to form any normal thoughts may not be easy, but if you are ok with my ramblings then we will all be good.

Life has become mad, yet but again. I just do not want to go down this road again. So much so, can I just run away from it all? Can I just leave everything behind, literally, and just escape life so I do not have to worry, plan, fix, and overall do “everything”?

We spend so much of our life just existing that when times of trials roll around there is no strength to lean on to get through the next crisis.

I took July off because I was struggling with encouraging others when I just could not find the words to share with you all. I just needed to feel like I took the month off to regroup and do some soul-searching. Unfortunately, I did not expect that soul-searching was going to be as a result of finding out a friend had taken her own life way to soon.

When you talk to others, which is what I heard when talking to someone, that suicide is such a selfish act. Disclaimer, I am by no means supporting or advocating that suicide is the right thing to do or that by any implication that I am suicidal, but I think before passing judgement on those who choose to do this that maybe we need to walk a day or a week in their lives.

We live a very difficult life. Our money is “always” tight and often times not enough, both my family members struggle with health needs that have them both sick all the time. It is exhausting to hear this day they are sick, this day they are in pain. This day they can not do anything all day because of x, y, or z problem. This day they have a doctor appointment which means in order to advocate for them, you are going to the appointment and you are the one trying to think ahead of the appointment to ask any and all of the questions that need to be addressed.

Then there is the stress of employment as our only bread-winner of our house is one of my sickly family members. What are we going to do if we lose this job? We have already experienced this once as a result of sickness and disability so to think this could happen again is scary. I DO NOT want to ever go through this again, especially right now.

Between the weight of financial problems, medical problems times two and now a dog with medical problems, I just want to run away by any means possible. This is too much to carry for too long. I find myself questioning what if God took me home today. How nice would it be to not live this life any longer? I wonder what was my friend going through that she thought the same thing, but took it even farther and ended her own life to escape the pain, the confusion, the expectations of others, the need to be the “perfect wife”, the need to be the “perfect mother”, and the need to get everything done in a timely and orderly process. I am not sure what she was going through that caused her darkness to consume her life, but I can understand a certain amount of it because I am living a similar darkness. The only difference between her and I is that no matter how discouraged I may be, I have no intentions to ending my life. I am willing to wait for God’s perfect timing.

For anyone who has followed me for any length of time, you will remember back to February of 2017 when my husband experienced a colon surgery and it was a very difficult road to recovery. I had struggled during that time to write because of an ugly darkness that consumed me, well I am back here again.

My husband has been out of work for a week now as a result of the same problem that caused him to have surgery way back when. I am writing tonight because we are back to this same problem he had surgery for. It appears this problem has resurfaced and created a new problem out of an old problem. We found out after spending and entire morning and part of an afternoon at the emergency room this week that he may be pending another surgery in the same area. We are unsure if this occurred because something in fact went wrong with the first surgery or if he was that ugly ten percent of patients who experience this same problem again.

I have not clue for sure what all is going to happen. He has an appointment on August 15th with his previous surgeon to see what all of this means and to determine if a future surgery will be required.

If this happens it will be another surgery, more time off, and most likely more no pay due until he goes back to work. The thought of this just seriously makes me sick to think we have to experience again.

Then there is my precious baby boy who just went to the vet for his yearly check up to discover he has allergies and is most likely allergic to grass as this seems to be what causes him to break out severely. Then as if that was not enough information to receive that day, then there is this mass on the bottom of his back foot and we discover he will need to have surgery to remove it and then have it tested to determine at a 50/50% if it may be cancer. This is scheduled for August 23rd, and if it is cancer we can hopefully isolate it to only his foot so it does not travel.

I love my dog beyond words and do not want to see him struggle with all of this let alone the possibility of fighting cancer. We just do not even have that kind of money let alone if my husband goes offline with his own surgery.

Well, thanks to a negative conversation I just had, I have completely lost my train of thought and my words again. So whether this is a good place to conclude my blog post or not, I will have to end here without a conclusion.

I can not make any promises or guarantees that I will be back to post on a regular basis or not, but just know I have not forgotten about my blog.

If you are struggling with a difficult situation, please know you are not alone. The darkness may have you consumed, but do not give into out of desperation.

This time will pass as everything does eventually, but I understand how difficult it can be to wait it out.

If you wish to release your thoughts on a total stranger, please feel free to leave a comment below. I promise there will never be any judgement held against you.

I can however pray for and try to encourage you through your trial.

Many hugs to the rest of you who are also struggling.

 

 

Broken, Burn out, Challenge, Comfort, Death, Depression, Discouraged, Exhausted, Grief, Hope, Journey, Life, Strength, Suicide, Trials, Weakness, Weariness

The Difficulty of Random Thoughts

img_9150-2This month has been a very busy one because we have been trying to get our home business off the ground and it has been a lot of work. I am hoping to cross the tide between what needs to be done, what has to be done, and what comes next.

We have thankfully got to a point where Kiddo is down to only one or two doctor appointments a week instead of three to five. This is a huge blessing and one I am thankful to have at this moment.

We have managed to get Kiddo enrolled into college full time to include an approval for financial aid via a Pell Grant and I am beyond excited for this.

However, this week has been an emotionally challenging one. I found myself trying to process the unexpected loss of a friend who was an encourager to me. She would post encouraging and thought-provoking quotes and images that would encourage people like me when we would need it the most. Unfortunately, last Sunday night her darkness and depression won a battle and she took her own life.

This has left me totally questioning the fragility of life. It has left me facing many of my own personal questions like how to battle my own darkness of stress, constant busyness, discouragement, frustration, and depression.

I have been pondering how to write about this as I try to process all the confusion and rawness of this delicate subject. Yesterday, her family with their friends and community celebrated her life in such a beautiful manner.

It is my prayer through her death that her ability to help and encourage others will continue. It is my prayer as a result, we can shed some light on the ugly monster called suicide.

I am not trying to be full of doom and gloom, but I have been lost in not writing this past month. Writing helps me to process mentally and emotionally, so as I continue to process what has happened this week, I will be writing more about this difficult subject.

It is my prayerful desire God will allow this devastating loss of my sweet friend to shed some light on this ugly topic and if her life and death would save even just one person, then her precious memory can be blessed as well.

Experiencing a heavy loss and sadness can produce positive results if in the right timing and in the right place. It is my desire as I write in the days ahead and you are struggling in this same area, reach out for help. Talk to someone. Do not let your darkness consume you to the point of taking your own life.

If you need help and you have no one to talk to, call the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. If you live Internationally click on the World National Suicide Hotline to find your country and call them for help.

Do NOT allow your darkness to take your life away.

Your life matters. You matter!!! Many people love you, more than you will ever know!! Live for yourself, live for them.