Anxiety, Brave Art of Motherhood, Broken, Burn out, Discouraged, Exhausted, Journey, Life, Rawness, Stress, Trials

Changes Are Powerful

Revealing All Sides of Them

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach

I am popping in to say I am still here. Last week ended up crazy busy because Kiddo stayed well enough for me to in fact paint the inside of my house while my husband was gone. I am so happy I did because I have a “real” confession to make, my house was filthy.

When I began to tear it apart to get into the crevasses and corners you do not see on a regular basis, I began to see stuff that made me cringe. It truly broke my heart because Kiddo is highly allergic to this kind of dust. It makes me wonder how much our own home was contributing to her sickness?

Well, it is clean, updated, and fresh again. As we were making these changes we were both excited because we like change. Change breathes life into whatever it is you are changing. It to us is not a bad thing because we love it, however, to my husband he was not impressed when he came home to my freshness and change.

He hates change, but I was to be able to paint and make over rooms in my house in the past. I suspected he was not happy this time though because when he came home from being away his silence was deafening. I was not able to get everything I wanted to be done because he was not gone long enough, so he did not see what I have envisioned yet. I was not able to get the trim painted or put up the special signs I am going to make. At this point, I have decided to wait on painting the trim as I think this will truly be too much change. He needs to sit on these changes for a while.

I have an immense “raw and real” confession to make, this rejection hurt me to my core. I do everything I do to keep our home running efficiently while both he and my daughter spend more time sick than they do well. I run them to their countless doctor appointments so I can stay on top of their health issues and so for me to do this because it made me feel good was beyond disheartening.

I got extremely upset Saturday night and had a complete meltdown. I was yelling and screaming (not my finest moment or one I am proud of), but it was because I was tired of hiding my hurt and exhaustion any longer. I was tired of hiding behind my mask that says it is okay you hurt me again. Unfortunately, I crushed my sweet daughter in my rant because it started with her and I arguing with each other over my not willing to go to Washington DC for Veteran’s Day, but that was not even what had me upset. I was upset with her dad and his stubbornness to see these changes were important to me and that I needed this for me to find my happy place again. She didn’t know this. She only saw my emotions boiling out of control to the point they erupted like an out of control volcano.

I told you this to share my deepest and real feelings which I hide from behind my mask, the mask that says I have it all together when in full disclosure, I have nothing together. As my husband told me the other night in my fit of anger and yes rage at one point, I have become psychotic and I need help. This is only his perspective. I, however, stand on the truth of my own emotions. Unstable is the least of my problems. I am however over-worked, over-burdened from carrying the load for both of us for so long. I am exhausted both mentally and physically and depressed for the lifestyle we are living in now and will continue to live for him to be happy here. What he does not realize, understand or see, is that if I was as unstable as he believes me to be, I could not continue to carry the unbearably heavy load I carry to ensure he has a happy life while he struggles with the burdens of dealing with his own PTSD.

I am not sure how it has happened but since 2012 I have tap danced around my husband’s war triggered PTSD and anger. I have walked on cartons worth of eggshells to keep him happy. We stopped doing things we enjoyed as a family. We stopped attending events that were crowded because that was an anxiety trigger for him. Now both my Kiddo and I have found (as of this weekend that crowds make us both nervous and uncomfortable). I knew change upsets him so I make few “big” changes so he will not get upset, but my friends as I have found years later, giving in to all of this is not healthy for you as an individual. Your attempt to help them all the time is actually enabling what will become bad behavior and behavior that can, in turn, cost you everything. Everything meaning your happiness, your identity, and your life. 

Be careful how much of you, you give away to others. I have done some serious soul-searching over the past couple of days as I was on a personal quest to make changes within myself to find “me” to be truly happy again. Now I find myself at a crossroads because if my husband hates change to the point of me writing my deepest and rawest heart out here, then I have a much bigger problem of making changes within my own heart. He is not going to like the personal changes I make within myself because he will feel the effects of some of those changes.

So this is the question I am left with … do I continue my journey of self-discovery at the cost of everything, that meaning my marriage of almost 25 years and my family? How much is my need for change worth to me?  

Please forgive me as this post is deeply personal and I am writing from my rawest moment this morning. I am at this moment of pondering this simple quote written by Rachel Marie Martin in her book, The Brave Art of Motherhood,

“Be brave,” says my spirit. 

“Wait,” says fear.

“Have courage,” says my soul. 

“Not yet,” says worry.

“Dare,” says my heart. 

– Rachel Marie Martin 

The Brave Art of Motherhood

Where does this journey take me? Where does God want me to be in five years? How do I regain stability in my life again? All of these are questions I have and still need answers to. As I continue to find my way in life, I will continue to write about them as it is my deepest desire that if my heartache can help someone else to know they are not battling their own battles alone, then all of this pain will be worth it in the end.

 

 

 

4 thoughts on “Changes Are Powerful”

  1. If you aren’t happy with yourself, your environment, then you have the right to change those things you can. While you’re trying to hold things together to keep the peace, who is providing you with sanctuary? I’ve been there, it’s not a good place. I admire you for repainting your house (and for all the extra cleaning that involved!) and making it a happy place to be. Your husband may not be able to see your needs past his own at this point. But as he notices a more relaxed and happy you, hopefully he’ll see that when you do things that make you feel better, it makes the family stronger and better, also.
    Just remember that yelling and fighting over hurt feelings is detrimental because then he’s justified in arguing you’re the problem. I know, just another burden laid on you and that’s the last thing you want but sometimes, keeping the feelings to yourself means you have time to think about whether your feelings are really justified or not. I’m not saying your hurt feelings aren’t real, but think about why you are hurt that he didn’t appreciate all your work? Deeper hurt is that you feel he doesn’t appreciate ALL your work. Not the painting, not the cleaning but the daily things you do that go unrecognized and unappreciated. Those are things you need to bring up when you’re calm and can talk rationally so he has no opportunity to say you’re just crazy and need psychological help. Easy for me to tell you these things because I’ve been there but doing these things most definitely are not easy.
    Of course, what works for one may not work for another and what I’m telling you may seem like I’m asking you to don your mask again. That’s not what I’m saying. The masks need to stay off. But dealing with someone who is fragile means you have to be the strong one, whether you feel like it or not. There may come a point in your marriage where you can’t be anymore. He needs to know you’re at that point but bring it up in love, not hurt and anger. Let him see your love and commitment but also let him know you’re no longer going to tolerate everything his way. You have a little one to think about and what’s good and healthy for her as well as yourself.

    Really hope you know I’m writing all this in love, not criticism. You’re doing great and I just want you to know you’re very far from alone. My personality is a fixer and I can’t help offering unsolicited advice so just skip it and know that it’s coming from my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your words were very sweet and refreshing. Thank you for the kindness. You are absolutely correct and spot on with everything you said. I will absolutely give this some thought and prayer and ask God to show me the correct time to bring up these feelings. They are real and you are right, in anger is not the time or place to get my point across. Thank you for the sweet and kind words. They mean a lot! ❤

      Like

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