I am trying to write down words which are lost. I am trying to flush out the scattered thoughts for the wise and logical thoughts. I am trying to smile when I only want to cry. I am trying to move forward when my body was to seize to a paralyzed state. I am trying to hold everything together when my life seems full of chaos.
What does “real” life look like? What does “normal” look like? What do words look like when you can’t remember how to form them? What do feelings look like when you spend so much of your time running away from them?
I am not writing to seek sympathy or to receive any more words of discouragement. I am not writing to enjoy a pity party. I am just writing to clear my mind of all the scattered thoughts I am harboring, because there is no other outlet to free myself from this bondage.
It is my prayer however, if this can encourage someone (somehow), that God will allow the use of these scattered words and emotions to encourage someone else who may be struggling then I will be happy.
I suspect my ability to form any normal thoughts may not be easy, but if you are ok with my ramblings then we will all be good.
Life has become mad, yet but again. I just do not want to go down this road again. So much so, can I just run away from it all? Can I just leave everything behind, literally, and just escape life so I do not have to worry, plan, fix, and overall do “everything”?
We spend so much of our life just existing that when times of trials roll around there is no strength to lean on to get through the next crisis.
I took July off because I was struggling with encouraging others when I just could not find the words to share with you all. I just needed to feel like I took the month off to regroup and do some soul-searching. Unfortunately, I did not expect that soul-searching was going to be as a result of finding out a friend had taken her own life way to soon.
When you talk to others, which is what I heard when talking to someone, that suicide is such a selfish act. Disclaimer, I am by no means supporting or advocating that suicide is the right thing to do or that by any implication that I am suicidal, but I think before passing judgement on those who choose to do this that maybe we need to walk a day or a week in their lives.
We live a very difficult life. Our money is “always” tight and often times not enough, both my family members struggle with health needs that have them both sick all the time. It is exhausting to hear this day they are sick, this day they are in pain. This day they can not do anything all day because of x, y, or z problem. This day they have a doctor appointment which means in order to advocate for them, you are going to the appointment and you are the one trying to think ahead of the appointment to ask any and all of the questions that need to be addressed.
Then there is the stress of employment as our only bread-winner of our house is one of my sickly family members. What are we going to do if we lose this job? We have already experienced this once as a result of sickness and disability so to think this could happen again is scary. I DO NOT want to ever go through this again, especially right now.
Between the weight of financial problems, medical problems times two and now a dog with medical problems, I just want to run away by any means possible. This is too much to carry for too long. I find myself questioning what if God took me home today. How nice would it be to not live this life any longer? I wonder what was my friend going through that she thought the same thing, but took it even farther and ended her own life to escape the pain, the confusion, the expectations of others, the need to be the “perfect wife”, the need to be the “perfect mother”, and the need to get everything done in a timely and orderly process. I am not sure what she was going through that caused her darkness to consume her life, but I can understand a certain amount of it because I am living a similar darkness. The only difference between her and I is that no matter how discouraged I may be, I have no intentions to ending my life. I am willing to wait for God’s perfect timing.
For anyone who has followed me for any length of time, you will remember back to February of 2017 when my husband experienced a colon surgery and it was a very difficult road to recovery. I had struggled during that time to write because of an ugly darkness that consumed me, well I am back here again.
My husband has been out of work for a week now as a result of the same problem that caused him to have surgery way back when. I am writing tonight because we are back to this same problem he had surgery for. It appears this problem has resurfaced and created a new problem out of an old problem. We found out after spending and entire morning and part of an afternoon at the emergency room this week that he may be pending another surgery in the same area. We are unsure if this occurred because something in fact went wrong with the first surgery or if he was that ugly ten percent of patients who experience this same problem again.
I have not clue for sure what all is going to happen. He has an appointment on August 15th with his previous surgeon to see what all of this means and to determine if a future surgery will be required.
If this happens it will be another surgery, more time off, and most likely more no pay due until he goes back to work. The thought of this just seriously makes me sick to think we have to experience again.
Then there is my precious baby boy who just went to the vet for his yearly check up to discover he has allergies and is most likely allergic to grass as this seems to be what causes him to break out severely. Then as if that was not enough information to receive that day, then there is this mass on the bottom of his back foot and we discover he will need to have surgery to remove it and then have it tested to determine at a 50/50% if it may be cancer. This is scheduled for August 23rd, and if it is cancer we can hopefully isolate it to only his foot so it does not travel.
I love my dog beyond words and do not want to see him struggle with all of this let alone the possibility of fighting cancer. We just do not even have that kind of money let alone if my husband goes offline with his own surgery.
Well, thanks to a negative conversation I just had, I have completely lost my train of thought and my words again. So whether this is a good place to conclude my blog post or not, I will have to end here without a conclusion.
I can not make any promises or guarantees that I will be back to post on a regular basis or not, but just know I have not forgotten about my blog.
If you are struggling with a difficult situation, please know you are not alone. The darkness may have you consumed, but do not give into out of desperation.
This time will pass as everything does eventually, but I understand how difficult it can be to wait it out.
If you wish to release your thoughts on a total stranger, please feel free to leave a comment below. I promise there will never be any judgement held against you.
I can however pray for and try to encourage you through your trial.
Many hugs to the rest of you who are also struggling.