Pondering The Direction of Life
Feeling Lost by Feeling Overwhelmed
Pulling my thoughts together when they are all scattered.
I have tried to walk away from them, but that is only a temporary fix. In my life, it just causes me to get even farther behind causing more stress because I’m behind now.
Ahhhhhh, a circle that just cycles around and around and around. Please stop, I’m pleading with you to just make it stop. Please God, I just want to take a break to just breathe. Is this too much to ask for?
Do you ever feel this way?
As I wake today I realize it is the last day I have a teenager in my house. Twenty years ago tomorrow my beautiful and sweet daughter was born. I can’t believe it. It doesn’t seem possible. Where does time go?
For twenty years my daughter’s birthday kicks off the holiday season for my family. I go from planning and preparing for her birthday to jumping into preparing for Thanksgiving. Like everyone once a Thanksgiving is done then brings the rush of Christmas. The shopping, the decorating, the parties, the…… ahhhhhh every day life that still occurs.
When the weight of making it all happen and the pressure for it to be beautiful and joyous is a lot to pull off if you are only one person doing it all alone.
As I look at the quickly approaching holiday season again this year, I am beginning to feel that same pressure, but this year it seems to be intensified because we have just learned my daughter will be having a foot surgery now on Dec 18th. Yes, that is one week before Christmas. Yes, for those of you who fall in the same yearly trap as I do, that is the last, final, and busy week to pull everything together that hasn’t been done yet.
As my brain is going around the hamster wheel just spinning out of control, I’m just wondering how does all of this get done? How does the spirit of Christmas happen in my house when my house is in chaos?
Breathe comes to mind. Just sit back and breathe. Make the list and start checking things off it. This is what comes to mind. However, how sad is it that my Kiddo’s birthday is tomorrow and I haven’t started this process yet? Thankfully this will be our first year where she isn’t having a birthday party so that pressure isn’t here. We are only having family and a couple family adopted friends over to celebrate her special day, but I need to have more than just cupcakes. I’m not sure what the more looks like, but I guess I better figure that out today. Where is my planner? I need a list.
As I’m sitting here trying to pull my thoughts together my husband gets up to tell me he doesn’t feel good. What do I do with this information? What comes to mind is noooooooo, not now. Really? Is this an Emergency Room trip and if so, when do I fit that into this craziness?
What I haven’t mentioned is that between my husband and my daughter, they are both always sick, in pain, or in need of medicine. He has war related sicknesses and I am convinced, even though the Veterans Administration (VA) will never admit it, that he passed his infected genes on to her. This poor child has been a medical mystery for years. I have fought many years for this child’s health issues to get her treated appropriately for illness. We are in a battle now that has been on going for three years with her. She has even stumped specialists that is how messed up she is. The common answer we are running into with her now is consider taking her out of the region we live in and check into specialist in other states. They might have the answers which leaves me saying, “Really?”
Ok, jump back to present moment. Pondering thoughts…. nope wait, I don’t have any more time to ponder thoughts. I must get to the kitchen and make my husbands lunch for today and get my day started.
This post isn’t anything deep or informative or helpful to anyone and I am sorry for this. I try very hard to write providing encouragement to others, but right now those words are hard to find. Today I am just writing down raw emotions to pour out my weary heart in order to get the words that are trapped and swirling around in my head out.
If you have found yourself in a similar place in your life, rest in knowing you are not alone in this struggle. This is real and is painful, but the act of knowing you are not the only one feeling this pain is encouraging all on it’s own.
Breathe Friend and make that list if you are in the same spot as I find myself to be.
Hugs, we will get through this! We are STRONG,