God’s Plans Are Bigger Then Our Dreams
I am not sure where this is going today as I have a bunch of befuddled thoughts going around in my head.
I have been pondering for what feels like a long time how to put my mixed up, unexplainable feelings into words.
Have you ever found yourself in a place of unexplainable query?
Today as I was driving down the road I just had to release it all God. Yes, call me a slow learner. I have actually been releasing this all to God, but my problem is that in a day or so I pick it all back up and try to figure it all out again.
Now I have built up your suspense, by accident, here are a few things I have been struggling with. I am sharing them with you with the hopes if you find yourself in similar situations that you won’t feel as alone as I have felt.
Ever since I was a child I always knew what I wanted to be and do with my life. My hopes and dreams were to be an investigator, but not any ordinary police department one, my dream was to be in the FBI. Yes, I dream big.
So when I graduated from high school I went in the US Army and started my dream, we’ll sort of. I became a Military Police Officer. After completing my contract, I went to college and got my Bachelors Degree in Criminology. I am getting closer to my dream by leaps and bounds. While finishing up my degree I worked at our local police departmart as an auxiliary police officer until they could send me to police academy after graduation. I did my internship with our local Army Criminal Investigation Division (CID) and upon completion of my program they offered for me to stay on until a paid position became available. This was the beginning of my dream coming true.
Well, I forgot to mention in all of this busyness of my life, I met my husband and we got married while I was doing all of this. He was on active duty serving in the US Army and was stationed at the same place I was when I got out of the Army.
This is important because as I was finishing up my final semester in college, working at He local police department, and CID I received the most devastating news I could have ever heard. My husband tells me he just came down on orders sending us to Germany for a 2 year unaccompanied tour or a 3 year accompanied tour. We had to decide which one. He knew my hopes and dreams and knew everything I had worked for would be put on hold if I went with him. Wow, what a decision to have to make. Well, I chose the right one. My life, aspirations, hopes, and dreams went on hold and off to Germany we go, together. I did finish my degree and we left the day of my college graduation. Going to Germany was more important than a college graduation that no one I knew was going to attend any way.
I thought while I was in Germany that it all was going to be ok because I still had my hopes and dreams but they were on hold. This was until the last year of our tour and I found out I was pregnant and our daughter was born.
I love her dearly and know God had a much bigger picture then I had in my dreams, but becoming a mommy meant my dreams just changed.
This is where my life changed and I had to accept these changes. I took this seriously and I became a full time mom to include homeschooling her when she became school aged. I traded in my dream law enforcement job for a teaching job. I homeschooled her all the way through her senior year, which we are just finishing up (due to unforeseen medical issues she is still struggling with).
What next? This is where I am struggling daily. We are in need of an extra income as it extremely difficult to live on one income, but what am I going to do? Over the past 23 years, I lost track of who I was. My identity became a wife, mom, and homeschool mom/teacher. I struggled over the years as I gave up my hopes and dreams to become something that society sees as insignificant.
I know deep down in my heart these are the most important jobs any mom could have according to God, but when put up against what society sees as acceptable, these jobs fall short.
I know my law enforcement days are behind me, but I have no clue what does someone like me do to make money after surrending a career to take care of my family for 23 plus years?
I go over and over this in my mind. What is my life going to look like? For someone who use to have my life together, I feel like I have no idea at all what it is going to look like post homeschooling years.
Yesterday, as I was taking my daughter to her second doctor appointment in one afternoon we were talking about her day at work. She was telling me about how she has to write injury reports when kids get hurt and how she got her ability to write well from her dad and her aunt. I decided it was time to stand up for myself by stating that just by chance she could have actually got her talent from me as well. I only spent 16 years educating her from preschool through her senior year in high school. I may have managed to successfully teach her something.
This was when I heard the words that I have struggled with for many years. She tells me, “Mom, I don’t know what you are good at.”
How many mom’s are out there who have given everything they are to their family, while forgetting who they are in the process?
I went from a person with high self esteem and big dreams to a person who doesn’t know who I am or what I am good at now.
Unfortunately, I have lived a life of being humble. I don’t gloat or talk about “me” and because I don’t, my daughter doesn’t know “who I am or what I am good at besides being a mom”.
So what now? What am I going to do with my life now?
I cant figure it out. I forgot how to dream big. I struggle with being worthy enough to dream big. I’m just a mom. Nothing big required there.
So as I was driving down the road to pick Kiddo up at work, I had to lay this concern, disappointment, and frustration at the foot of the cross again.
I need to give this struggle up to God and just let Him show me what He wants me to do with the next chapter in my life.
This isn’t an easy topic to write about, but it is my hope I am not the only one who struggles with this at this point in their life.
“In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”
Proverbs 3:6 NKJV
What lies ahead? Only God knows!
My friend if you are struggling with this same thing or know someone who is we can cling to the promise God has for us. He knows the plans He has for our lives. He uses every part of our life to further a His plans for us.
Hold on to your faith friend as this is truly what sustains us through the times that are unknown. Faith helps us find our directions in life when our GPS has been turned off.
“But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good.”
II Thessalonians 3:13 NKJV
God gave me this verse to cling to while I struggle with my journey to an unknown destination.
My friend, despite society’s standards that to be successful you must have an amazing career or job, but our jobs as wives and moms is the most important to God.
Do not fall into the den of lies like I have. You are worthy in God’s eyes to raise your children which He blessed you with. You are doing the most amazing job God could have ever entrusted you with. You are raising His next generation of believers who will have their own testimony that will further spread His word to others around the world.
A mom, isn’t just a mom. We are special and important!
We are God’s chosen people to raise the kids He gave us.